observations

It has been interesting over the years as I have grown older and as a natural result my grandparents and other relatives have or are passing away. With each death I am reminded of man's basic selfish nature.

The first time I personally dealt with this was several years ago when a friend's grandfather died. I was in law school at the time and as a result I became the "expert" on legal matters among my friends and family members. Shortly after the funeral I ran into my friend's mother who asked me about contesting her father-in-law's will. My friend had said he thought his parents were getting some money from his grandfather's estate, but he didn't have details.

As I talked with Evelyn, my friend's mother, the details became clear. Whoever who was in charge of settling the estate had determined that there was $50,000 in cash to be evenly split and shared by my friend's father and his four siblings. Now that seems like quite a bit of money to me, $10,000. But to Evelyn it wasn't enough. She wanted to know if she could demand an accounting of the money because she was sure that money was missing, that her husband, and her, should be receiving more money.

It was more than a little surprising to hear this generous, compassionate woman insisting that she, through her husband, was entitled to more money. I guess it's just human nature.

In the end I was able to tell Evelyn that it was her husband's call, not hers. She seemed more than a little surprised to learn that she couldn't challenge the amount of money her husband was receiving. It was stille her husband's call, amd if he didn't want to challenge, or question, the amount of money he was receiving then it was over.

With that experience in mind for the last several years I have watched families argue, sometimes fight, over the simplest things. Even when there has been absolutely no money involved I have sen families fight over the most trivial items.

Most recently I watched another close friends' family members argue and hurt each other's feelings as they have gone through their mother's house following her death. I should say that those hurt feelings actually began long before their mother's death. Almost twenty years ago I heard that some of these people were already trying to stake out their territory and property in their mother's house. So the week before their mother died the infighting began in earnest. The first fight I heard about was over staying in the hospital or in home hospice care.

What was most interesting was that the one child, if you can call a seventy-four year old man a child, arguing for leaving his mother in the hospital until her death was the only one who actually lived the close to his mother. The other surviving children lived several hours away. As a result of a heated discussion it finally came out that the oldest son figured he would be expected to take care of his mother because he lived closest. It didn't seem to matter that this man has been retired for several years and moved to his present home fairly close to his mother after he retired.

I suppose the fear of having to care for an aged, failing relative is very real for some people.

The lesson I have learned from all of this is, people are essentially greedy and if you care what your relatives do after you die then leave specific instructions in the care of an uninterested party. Or, make sure everything is gone before you die. They may curse you for being a burden but they won't have things to fight over.